College is more confining than I realized. Zero free time to just recharge. I am a recharger. I need that time like nobody's business. Process process process. That's pretty much all this brain desires to do.
To be honest, I'm in a terrible mood right now. A self-doubting crabbypants mood. Homework has built up to a disgusting peak, I am running on a sad amount of sleep, and an even sadder non-existant social schedule, and all I want is time to just be. I suppose anyone around here could say that, but since I'm the one typing, you're hearing my gripe story. I don't know, I just never expected to be so darn lonely. It's honestly making me angry. I see all these busy people running around with chums as they do their work, and that just seems like it would lighten the load. Let me tell you again what I said in the previous post: designers are cold. Not all of then, no. The student populous of designers is fairly ok, but there is something uppity and impatient about several seasoned professionals around here, and it just makes me sad. I don't want to run around being all competitive and snooty my entire career. I feel like its a shame to the art. We're out to help people, not condescend them.
I think I'm feeling extra negative since I just failed my first assignment. It was a small one, and I honestly knew I probably would, since I put more effort into other schoolwork as I worked on that one, but it was another damper to my day. It was also in my least favorite class, which says something right there. I'll take it without getting crabby at critics and all, because that's no good, but I am honestly frustrated with myself. I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm feeling pretty lost about now, and it sucks.
Let me tell you the one thought that keeps running through my head on interval that is pretty much the only thing not dragging my down. The fact that, even though my day sucks, my eternity isn't going to. That's honestly it. I have to look at things in that big of a scope to haul myself out of my fresh homemade muck. It made me look around and wonder how many of these faces around me don't have that confidence, even though they might be having the best day in the world. I suppose that part of the thought it a downer, but I am glad about my end of the deal.
Is there such thing as being too nice? I'm trying to figure that out. I feel like one of the few fairly forwardly friendly people around. That sounds super prideful and judgmental, but I don't mean it that way. I'm just saying that I feel like the only one who makes friends with people in the way I do. So many people I've encountered seem sorta uncomfortable and standoffish, and it's hard to want to try and converse with them. I am trying my hardest to teach myself how to be open and friendly towards others, but no one ever returns the enthusiasm. Am I too nice, or something? Do people like crabby opinionated people more? Maybe I haven't connected with the right crowd yet. I don't know. These are the things I'd like to sit down and ponder, but again, so little time for that.
So I have come in a fairly complete circle of crabby complaining and pondering. I hope your day wasn't brought down by examining this entry. I just needed to put it somewhere, since there isn't really anyone to talk to right now about it.
Ha. That was an even more depressing statement. Whee.
Jemima Raincloud strikes again.
I hope you are having a nice day. I'll be better after Thursday.
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