Mental break down.

So, on a more introspective note, this has been one of my most self-observatory years thus far. Introspection up the wazoo. I feel like it something that is a long time in coming, as, y'know, you go through life getting frustrated about things, or repressing things in your brain, or whatever. But then, you have to suddenly stop, and ask yourself why you do what you do.

Is it genetic? Did you pick it up from someone you know? Has Hollywood told you how to deal with your life? Did it materialize out of nowhere?

I, for one, have no idea if anything I do is genetic. Pros and cons of being adopted, yes. I'll eliminate that one from my list.

Here's what I'm getting at. I have been hypersensitive to my reactions to things lately. Little things, just petty, trivial goings-on, things with no eternal significance. Like slow moving people. Getting interrupted. Seeing someone you think is rather unattractive. Compliments. Criticism. Confrontations. Standing up for your beliefs. All those day-to-day experiences that we add up and call life, or whatever.

How am I reacting to them? If they are positive experiences, like getting a compliment, am I thanking the person, or downplaying the fact that I'm good at such-and-such, possibly making them feel weird. How do I respond to someone who wants to talk to me, but I'm really busy? Do you give them the passive-agressive cold shoulder? Tell them straight up to buzz off? When I sit on the bus and look around me, do I make cruel judgements on people based on what they look like or how they carry themselves? If someone is in your way in the hall, do you mentally call them something obscene and briskly zoom past, to somehow let them know that you're pissed off by their leisurely day?

Is any of this fair? In most cases, I think I'll have to say no. It's not. A lot of times, it's selfish. Straight up. Yes, maybe I have to get homework done and you're unconsciously delaying me, but that gives me no right to lash out at you for not reading my thoughts and interpreting that I'm in a bad mood. It's my responsibility to tactfully let you know that you and your words are valuable to me, and that I am really sorry that my brain is not in a place where I can fully appreciate you. In other words, a lot of this stuff, if not all of this, is on my head. It's my responsibility to be kind to you, and you in turn have your own responsibilities, as such.

So you know, this is not aimed at anyone in particular. There is no one of my family members, friends, or roommates that I am speaking to directly. That'd be contradictory to what I am trying to get across, and I am sick of my passive-agressive Minnesotan behavior.

My main point is to ramble out a stream of thoughts that's been bunched up in my brain lately, and try and analyze how I am responding to those around me. I went through a phase where I think I acknowledged that I needed to do some self-examination, but that thought was just too scary. I don't want to know what's really going on in my head. I don't want to know where those thoughts come from, or how I know those words. They are little weevils that burrow into your brain and whisper that it's ok for them to be there.

And do I listen? Do I listen? Yes. Very much yes.

But I don't want to live two lives. I don't want to live with kind, sarcastic me on the outside, and a mentally pessimistic, cruel person on the inside, which seems to happen all too frequently.

As it has been so well put by one of my favorite dead people, Mark Twain, "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." It's a mantra I've tried to wrap my mind around these past few months, and it's easy to say, but hard to live by.

Blame placement. Blame placement can be a nasty trip wire.

Any one of you college students knows that when your entire world revolves around you, and everything you're doing is about your success and your future and blah blah blah, that if someone comes along and needs your help, you flounder in what to do because it's hard to remember how to think of others. That may sound harsh, and I'm not saying college students are constantly self-motivated jerks, but we're highly prone to it most days. Me me me. If you were to ask me when the last time was I consciously went out of my way to do something for someone that I thought would improve their day without any ulterior motives of "this good deed with help me, too, I'm just killing two birds with one stone and we're both getting something out of it. Yay."

NO.

When was the last time I was like " I am going to do something nice for this person because they need it, and I may never get any recognition for it, or any reciprocal deal form it."

Oh man. Reciprocity.

If it's a disease, I seem to catch it a lot.

I think I may have lost my original train of thought through all this vigorous writing, but the main MAIN points are: Am I living on the outside what I'm feeling inside? Should my inside thoughts be there? How am I interacting with those around me? Do I know what it means to be selfless?

Selfless. Now there's a word that will make the hairs stand up on the back of your morally corrupt neck.

There you have it. My mental break down.

This will probably pop up again, as I have had a great deal of self-examination thoughts lately, so brace yourself for another rambling jaunt again soon.

Peas.