Wholly.

I now find myself down in The Whole, which is my school's music club in the basement of Coffman Union. It is surprisingly busy, and it was a bit tricky to find a table. But I was able to snag a little corner spot, where I can watch what's going on.

I'm somewhere in here.

The room is filled with the chattering of friends reuniting after a nice break, and more importantly and interestingly, there is a piano down here, and it is currently being played by a hipster who is well versed in jazz.


Which makes me a happy camper.


I just came rom my drawing 3 class, which I think will be interesting and challenging. I so want to develop a style that I love to do, yet pushes me to try and attain all the lovely art I see swimming up in my head. I guess if I had to choose one style of art that I wish I was good at, it would be concept art. I know I've told you that before, and it is one of my pipe dreams. Or maybe it doesn't have to be a pipe dream. I'm just making it into one.


I guess my fear is not knowing where to start, or what will help me reach my goal. I suppose drawing from life all the damn time would get me there eventually, but for some reason I'm always put off by that idea. I would really like to challenge myself, though. I'm just not a very self-motivated person, I guess. 


But, as I had hoped, I think my school load is going to help me out in this department this semester. My drawing class is going to push me, just because it's a drawing class and that's what they do. But I like that. My cultural studies and comparative lit. class, "The Rhetoric of Everyday Life," is asking me to do something every day for 100 days straight, and I can choose what that might be. I decided that I am going to do something I am comfortable enough with, and that is noticing and wondering about things. I bought myself a little notebook, and every day I am going to pick out one thing I notice, usually something very trivial and taken for granted, and describe it in such a way to make it seem more important. For example:


I turned around in my chair in the café today to see a piece of chalk, just laying at the base of a pillar, abandoned. What was it doing there? Who had last touched it? Is their DNA still clinging to it? Could I have it taken into a lab and somehow figure out who that person was? But then I wonder why I would ever wish to really know something like that.




That sort of business. Just letting my mind wander around topics that I bring into it. Or just being like, "I was walking through the Washington Ave. Bridge today, and happened to look down at all the rusty bits of bridge metal crumbling along the sides of the walkway. And I wondered to myself where and when the first piece of rust fell from that bridge. What was happening that day? Was I born yet?


That sort of stuff. It really makes you look at your surroundings and take them in more. That's all. One does not really need to look into it much more than that. I am not going to find the meaning of life by gazing at a pile of rust.


And maybe I'll just observe a person for a moment, and notice the way they wipe their nose, or whatever.


Does this sound like an alright idea?


Anyways, so I have lots of little things to think about and stuff. 




It's interesting, isn't it? The idea of trying to better oneself. I am a firm believer that I need to work on that, but also with the right motives. It's like losing weight, not just because you want to look good, but just because it's better for your body, and you'll have more energy and be able to be more lively and fun around those you love. It's looking beyond the vanity of it all. Of being a better artist, a faster walker, a classier dresser, a slimmer figure, a clearer speaker. It's got to be more than just vanity.


I have been turning this business over and over in my head as of late. About bettering myself, but not just for myself. I understand that this is an especially hard concept for those who do not believe in God. I say that, because, based on what I believe, in a word, I want to better myself for God. 


And there is a statement that can be taken a lot of different ways. But what I mean by it, is that I want to care for what He has given me; for my mind, body and spirit, so that I can bring more glory to Him, which is what I'm here for, yes? If I am sitting around all day, doing trivial things that have zero meaning, well, I'm not going to be making much of an effect anywhere, now am I? I won't be out meeting new people, discovering new things, thinking new thoughts, and creating new work. This could be described in a much more eloquent and theological way, I know. But all I am currently wishing to convey is that my mind is in a jumble of how to go about all this business with dissecting my own motives and plans of action, etc.


So, there. There's a ramble for you. Perhaps if you are going through a similar business we can have a chat,for there is nothing better than people coming together, admitting they have problems, and bouncing ideas off each other.


And sometimes, you have to be okay with finding answers more on your own. That's just the way it is.




Well, I leave you here in The Whole and I debate about my whole self. Ha. Who's funny. -.-




Audios.




Songs of the Week:


Half Asleep by School of Seven Bells


Paris Blue (Death to the THrone Remix) by Lykke  Li


My Understandings by Of Mice and Men


London Town by The Nocturnes