Tucked away.

I have progressively become aware that this summer has been a really weird one for me. Sure, the show and all really threw off the typical vacation schedule and social life, yes, but more prominent is the fact that I myself have changed. No, not drastically, I hope, but I have become more of an inward person, slowly trying to figure life out. I'm more withdrawn and contemplative, surrounding myself with calmer, and sometime darker things, perhaps. Bjones and I were discussing this tonight. Most of my summer music (but not quite all) is stuff like Sigur Rós, Trentemøller, Jónsi, Clodu Cult, Ólafur Arnalds, Phillip Glass etc. Really quieting, deep stuff. Movies, too, are dark, like Shutter Island, Pan's Labyrinth, etc.

Carla, on the other hand, is all happy hippie jives, which is good for her, as it's very energizing for a big year ahead. Not that mine won't be big, it's just that I'm at a different place in life, and starting to accept a lot of responsibility and crap.

In a nutshell, this is how I am coping with the immense amounts of change that have occurred in my life this past year. I won't even go over all the things, because you can probably just guess.

It's been hard. I've had to let go of a lot of my nostalgic self, because I realize it's not helping at all. I suppose that's good, but part of me really wants to keep enough nostalgia that I can still think like a child. Hey, if I'm going into a career of teaching kids, I HAVE to be able to think like a child.

But as of now, I'm in a bit of a funk, just collecting myself, and figuring out who I want ot be, and my potential, and all that.

And then, also, keeping other people in the mix. Not gonna lie, my social circle is freakin' tiny right now, and I'm beginning to feel it. There are a lot of people I never got to see this summer, due to this or that, and I'm a bit disappointed in myself for not pushing harder to get these things together. But, looking back, there doesn't even seem to have been that much extra time. I feel like I'm cramming summer into two or three weeks here. It's exhausting.

I never say this, but I could use a good cry right now. Not about anything in particular, but a release of emotion would be nice. Selfish sounding or not, it gets really exhausting managing others as often as I do. I had a responsibility with this theater thing, that was great, but so utterly draining. I've been a listening post for several friends going through stuff, and believe me, I'm not complaining at ALL about these things, I just realize that it's been a summer of me giving a lot, and not recharging in the same fashion. I am not blaming anyone, or subtly hinting that, oh, maybe you should have invested in my emotions, no no no, none of that. This is a blog, remember? I am thinking out loud.

I'm just drained. That is all.

I do not feel prepared for school. Sure, the apartment is a lot to round up, but that is doable. I just haven't figured out how to get myself excited. There is nothing I'm really REALLY looking forward to, EXCEPT GOING TO SEE SUFJAN STEVENS IN CONCERT TWO DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY.

I had to virtually yell that. That is one thing i am utterly PUMPED about. I found a list the other day I'd written this Spring of some life goals, and this concert is fulfilling the "see Sufjan live" goal.

Finally. A goal

I suck at completing goals. I won't go into that topic much, but just know it's another thing on the mind.

I don't think I've had such an emo blog post for a long time. I'm just so worn out, but I don't really know who to talk to about it, so you're getting it all. Sorta.

Eh, I should sleep. I woke up at 5:50 today to play at Northwood church this morning. Yay for gigs, boo for lack of sleep.

I'll fill you in on the usual amusing details later. For now, I rest my case. And self.